Hoosier Family

Long time no post--Update

2011-06-15T05:13:00.000-07:00

From Jessica:

So its been a really long time since we've posted anything to this site. Having a toddler and two very busy jobs will do that do you. Our heartiest of apologies for those who miss seeing more videos, pictures and stories of Miss Cecelia's escapades.

As an update, around last June Clint and I decided to move forward with beginning the adoption process. We were in no huge rush to have another child but figured that with adoption, we're not in charge of our timeline so might a well get the wheels turning. We updated our homestudy, found an agency that we liked and put together our marketing package to the birthmoms. 6 months later we found a match.

Birthmom was young, and mom to three other children two of whom lived with her. The third she gave up for adoption two years ago. Part of why we liked her was that she had previous experience with adoption and told us she knew what to expect. We were hoping to avoid the chaos that we experienced with Cece's birth mom. Her reasons for wanting to place her current child with us is that she lives in a town with no future and wants this child to see the world, go to college and be successful. So... We all sign an adoption agreement in December and off we went.

We found out that the baby was a boy and that he was due on my brother's birthday, July 8, 2011. Clint and I started making plans at work for take time off once he was born. We got the house, and most importantly, Cece, ready for the new baby.

Then, last Sunday we missed a text from the birthmother stating that her water broke and she was in labor. The Indianapolis Agency (we have two because birthmom is out of state in Michigan) called us to tell us what was going on. We panicked a bit because this was around a month early. We ran around the house like chickens with our heads cutoff for a while. Thankfully, I had packed everything we needed for the baby earlier in the month. I hadn't packed clothing for us though, so Clint and I literally threw a bunch of stuff in a bag and shoved everything in the van. Lord knows what we have to wear.

The hardest part of getting ready to meet the new baby was saying goodbye to Cecelia. She was napping at the time we got the call. Our plan was for Teresa to come and stay with Cece because we could be up in Michigan for as long as 2 weeks. This plan was delayed a bit because Teresa was not in Columbus, IN but rather on her way back from a wedding in Tennessee! Thankfully our great babysitter was able to pinch hit for us until Teresa came into town. I miss my Cecelia SOOOOOO much but know she is in good hands! I always thought she was the one with separation anxiety, but I guess it really is Mama who has the problem!

We arrived in the Detroit area around 8:30pm and checked into our hotel. We had not heard anything from the birthmom since 4:00pm. The Michigan agency just told us to cool our heels and stop by the hospital in the morning. Of course, I didn't cool my heels very well and got maybe 2 hours of sleep that whole night, worrying about the baby and the birthmother and our adoption plan.

The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 8:00. We were told the baby was born on June 12, 2011 at 6:00pm weighing in at 5 lbs 12 oz and was 18.5 inches long. He was just brought to the birthmom and she wanted a bit of personal time with him before we came up. We hung around the hospital and waited for the invitation up to visit her. Meanwhile we were madly texting and emailing our families and friends with the information about the birth.

Birthmom called us at 10:00 saying it was OK to come see her. We bought her flowers and some small toys for her two children. We gave her a hug when we arrived and chatted with her briefly. Then we got to hold the boy. He is teeny tiny with a full head of straight black hair. The hospital set us up temporarily in a broom closet and we were allowed to spend some alone time with the baby. We cooed and cried and took pictures. Things looked great

I won't get into all the nitty gritty details because they're too fresh (and complicated) to work with at this moment. However, the drama and stress got ramped up because the birthfather strode into the picture and is refusing to respect birthmom's adoption plan. There is a possibility that he may continue to exert his rights a "father" and end up with the baby over birthmom's stated plan.

The current situation is this:
The baby, whom we are calling Tobias James, is in our care per the birthmother's adoption plan. He was discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon and we are all settling in at our long term stay hotel. Birthmom, however, can revoke her consent to this arrangement any time before the hearing on Temporary Placement is held. Birthmother was discharged from the hospital shortly before Toby, and is at home. She still says she is not changing her mind about her adoption plan. Our agency in Michigan is working on getting a hearing date for the Consent to Temporary Placement. We cannot leave the state with Toby until that hearing is held. If the hearing is held, birthfather shows up, and refuses to give his consent to the adoption we may be in for a protracted legal battle to attempt to terminate his parent rights. This is NOT where we want to be. We are hoping we can reach some agreement with the birthfather before the hearing to obtain his consent. As much as it breaks my heart to say it, us coming home with Toby is not a sure fire thing.

We will keep you posted as things progress, but in the meantime, we are getting into a rhythm with caring for Toby and trying to get him on a schedule. He's a pretty typical newborn who sleeps a ton and when he's not sleeping he's pooping or eating (sometimes at the same time). He's pretty little so none of the clothes we brought for him fit, but he's not vain yet so no worries :)

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. We may need a miracle for this all to work out well.

August Update, II

2010-08-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Curtain Hide and Seek:

New Toy:

Playing in the Rain:

Daddy 101 -- Keep Her away from Traffic:

August updates

2010-08-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

Carrots:

Pens:

Please and Thank You:

Swimming in the Lake:

Return Home, Thanks Brian:

WALKING!!!

2010-06-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

Kind of:

Steps again:

Standing

2010-06-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

Standing up:

Standing II:

AJ's phone is inspirational:

Visiting Nonna and Grandad in Florida

2010-05-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

More new photos

2010-04-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

Down the Hallway:

Blabbering:

Deconstructing the Changing Table:

Pushing a Walker:

Pushing II:

Updates

2010-04-08T04:23:00.000-07:00

Pulling up:

Best cat in the world:

Abusing Daddy:

Crawling for the first time (on video):

Longtime coming update

2010-02-21T05:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I've been really lazy with getting these loaded. Enjoy! Some are already quite old.

This one is her actually laughing:

Bonk with Grandad:

Nonna's feeding Cecelia:

Grargh!

Bathtime:

Laughing at Daddy:

Spinning on her butt:

Eating from a Bowl:

Bubbles!:

A quiet, peaceful evening

2009-11-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

A couple of toys she enjoys a bunch

2009-11-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Reading the Paper

2009-11-22T06:24:00.000-08:00

A commentary on the quality of the H-T? You be the judge.

Peaches

2009-10-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Rolling Over

2009-10-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Playing with Granddad

2009-10-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

More Play Time

2009-10-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Look, cute baby! Including the parade in Spencer for Michael John's book signing.

"Solid" Food First

2009-09-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Squeek!

2009-09-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

I can't help it if she appreciates good music...

2009-09-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

Teething

2009-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Play Time

2009-09-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Adoption Hearing

2009-09-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

Tim was the camera-man, and he didn't know to turn it off when the festivities were over, so you really only need to watch the first half. The second half is nauseating, frankly.

This video was taken shortly after Cecelia became our daughter, officially.

Some more cooing at Mommy. Plus, dogs playing

2009-08-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

A Couple of Playtime Videos

2009-08-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

AJ Actually Holds Cecelia

2009-08-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

Cooing at Mommy

2009-08-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

Special gift for Grammy

2009-08-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

At the end of the video.

Tummy time

2009-07-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

Let's try to get this video stuff working

2009-07-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

Attempt Number 1

7/12 update

2009-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hello, all. Sorry for the lack of posting. There's really not all that much to post about. Cecelia sleeps, eats, cries, pees, and poops. That's all the excitement there is. The biggest news is that we are getting her onto a scheduled routine pretty successfully. We have been following the teachings of Tracy Hogg's Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, at the recommendation of my friend Yu-Hsiang Lin, who had a baby in the winter. He, obviously, got the Chinese translation, but he swore by it.

Cecelia is a spirited/grumpy baby, but she's beginning to do well overnight. She's been sleeping about 2.5 to 3 hours in a stint and taking her mid-night feeding like a champ. Eat, change, go back down. I'd hardly call it a sure-fire win just yet, but we're already seeing results compared to the first week she's been here.

Baby shower is this afternoon. I start my sales training in Indy tomorrow and will be up there daily for 3 weeks before hitting the field in August. Jessica is officially on maternity leave for 8 weeks. Things are going just great.

Not many photos. Above are a few of her with her Granddad. I think there are a few on our camera, but I'll wait until after the shower to load them all.

First Promenade

2009-07-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

The whole family, Rosie and Grover included, went for a stroll this morning around 9:30 before it got blistering hot. It was our first time taking the stroller out so I'm sure we looked pretty wet behind the ears maneuvering it around the curbs and cracks in the sidewalk. I'm surprised by how much work it is! Little Miss Cece slept through much of it, which is not unexpected because she likes rocking/vibrating motions.

The dogs on the other hand, LOVED the walk. They were getting pretty stir crazy from being cooped up in the house since Tuesday so they were prancing along the whole time. The dogs are amazingly good with Cece. They're very calm around her (but not our numerous guests--sorry!). Grover frequently comes into the nursery when we're feeding her in the night/morning and lies down next to the crib. Rosie likes to lick her head and ears. When Cece is in her swing and we're moving about the house Rosie will peer into the nursery, just to check things out. While Rosie and Grover are both slightly more needy since Cece's arrival, I couldn't ask for better behavior out of them in regards to her.

We may venture out into the wide world of Target later today as well need a few more nipples, pacifier clips, eggs and coffee. What a strange grocery list huh? Right now though, we're camped out on the couch having some mommy-daughter tummy time.

2009-07-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

Second (?) visit with Dr. Franklin

2009-07-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

Went to the pediatrician for her two month well visit. She's a knuckle shy of 9 pounds. She does have a umbilical hernia, but it's of zero concern. It doesn't hurt and there's nothing to do about it. She'll grow out of it over the next few months. Other than that and a snuffy nose brought on, probably, by some minor exposure to smoke at her previous abode, she's doing fantastic. She's gaining weight at a nice clip. Got her her vaccines (no polio for this baby Rotarian). Dr. Franklin had some association with Cecelia in the hospital when she was born, so she's known her for quite a while. She was impressed by how much bigger she is less than 6 weeks later.

2009-07-02T08:17:00.001-07:00

2009-07-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

2009-07-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

2009-07-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

First day as parents successful

2009-07-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well, we managed to make it through the day without breaking Cecelia. Yesterday was a good day. We didn't sleep much the first night we had Cecelia. She was fine overnight, only getting us up 4 times, but we couldn't sleep between feedings so it was a miserable night for us. It made yesterday kind of hazy. But, Tim helped us out a TON by putting together the changing table and driving up to Greenwood to pick up, disassemble, ship, unload, and reassemble the crib. Cecelia's room is now fully set up. Jessica worked yesterday morning, leaving me along with a sleeping baby on my gut and a laptop on my, err...., lap to try to work. I'm now officially a LOT behind in my studies, so this holiday weekend will have to be catch-up time for me. Beth did come over to drop off some stuff and helped me out, watching the baby while I took a shower.

And then, Julie and Mom came over. And, boy, did Julie come over, and come through. She brought all the hardware and clothes that Ainsley has grown out of. We. Are. Stocked. To the point that the pending baby shower swag should actually skew toward an older baby. Swing, vibrating chair, bumpo, and two (TWO!) crates of clothes, and stuff I'm probably forgetting. The love was a bit overwhelming.

We then packed up Cecelia for her first road trip. We went to the Bloomington Sunrise Rotary's annual meeting at which Bob Jones took over as club President. We couldn't stay long, though, but we needed to let our Rotary family meet her.

The Hanes came over after the Rotary party. Jessika held her the whole time while we all watched So You Think You Can Dance. After that, bedtime, and we actually slept between feedings. The McCarty's got us a gadget that is kind of a multiple egg-timer, so that we can track how long it's been since she was last fed, last changed, put down for sleep. It was a big help overnight when everything is kind of a drowsy fog of feeding and crying.

Oh, and I twinged my back. Of course. Perfect timing to get a sore back.

She sees the Pediatrician this afternoon. Then a bit of shopping. And I need to get some work done.

Holy crap, we have a baby!

2009-06-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Cecelia Ann Merkel arrived today around 5:30. This has been, without a doubt, the most whirlwind 24 hours of our lives. Holly, our attorney, came to Jessica's office yesterday around 4:30 and said the girl who ripped our hearts out last month has changed her mind and would like to give the baby up for adoption. We decided to say yes, bought out Target at 9 PM last night, and spent today fretting about consent forms being actually, for real, signed by the birth-mother and a court order granting us guardianship signed by the judge. Around 4 today that was all wrapped up and Holly and Kevin were dispatched to pick up the baby.

And, here she is. And she's ours. And she's never going to leave us!

Hopefully 3rd Time is the Ticket

2009-06-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we transferred 3 frosties; one was an 8 cell, the other was a 9 cell and the last was a 10 cell. They all look really good. The lab had to thaw 6 to get these three, so that leaves us with 2 in the bank. The Md. stated that she wasn't too worried about triplets but hoped we would be ok with twins. HELL YES!! I'd be ectactic with a baby that is healthy with all ten fingers and toes.

I spent all day yesterday on the couch and was a very good patient. I actually slept for most of the time but also watched 2 movies (Doubt and the Miracle at St. Anna) and played Wii before heading to bed to sleep some more.

I'm feeling pretty good, although I'm still tired and could nod off shortly. My loving husband brought me a box of BluBoy Chocolate last night. I think my plan of attack for the day is to eat lunch, eat a chocolate, retype an outline for a Seminar presentation on Guardianships, Sleep, read more James Bond ("From Russia with Love") and so on and so forth. I do go back to work tomorrow but have promised myself, and others, to take it slow.

So, I'm feeling positive, feeling good and will try to take each day as it comes.

Nevermind

2009-06-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

The 15-year old high school drop-out decided she'd be a better parent than Jessica and me combined. That was her prerogative, I suppose. I'm still pissed about it.

Next up, thawing some frosties, followed by going through an adoption agency if that option craps out like it has the previous two times.

Shhhhhhhhhh

2009-04-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

We're adopting. Keep your fingers crossed for some big news in the middle of June. I imagine most of you reading this blog already know of this news, but for those who don't and have a RSS feed, now you do.

Chat with Dr. Colver

2009-02-14T09:34:00.001-08:00

First, we decided to wait on investigating adoption until we talked with Dr. Colver about our options. We're not giving up on it, but we watched an informational DVD from the law firm who is pretty influential in Indiana and decided we just don't have the energy or time to dedicate to an adoption search right now. Besides, the DVD kind of turned us off of that firm. Lots of information, and we don't doubt their sincerity, but it just felt wrong for us.

Second, we chatted with Dr. Colver Thursday by phone. He said we can move forward with transferring the frozen embryos whenever we are ready. The way it works is they thaw out three and see if they revive. They keep thawing them out until they have three that are progressing and they implant all three in Jessica the next day. So, the first three could revive, leaving us with 5 remaining frosties, or it could take all 8 and none could revive. We'll just have to see. But, he was hopeful that doing this in the course of a natural cycle would produce results for us better than a transfer two days after Jessica's been pumped full of hormones for weeks. Also, the embryos that were frozen look fantastic, so that's another thing going for us.

However, Dr. Colver did throw a warning wet blanket on things. Because we changed tactics this past IVF cycle, we don't have anything to base our experience off of. First time we transferred on Day 5. Things looked so good on day three that we pushed it back. Between Day 3 and Day 5, the quality and viability of our embryos fell off rapidly, to the point that only two were kicking on Day 5, and them not looking hot.

Because we went on Day 3 this past IVF cycle, we didn't have an opportuninty to see if the same thing would happen a second time; that things looked good on Day 3 and fell off by Day 5. We'll probably find that out to some extent because of how the frozen transfer works (implantation on Day 4, essentially). We have to be prepared that if we notice a falling off of quality and viability, this just might not be meant to be. My sperm could just be such bad quality that this isn't going to happen, no matter if it's Day 3, 4, 5, or 15.

But, we don't know, and we have frozen embryos, and they look really good, and we don't have to pump Jessica full of estrogen, so there's no reason to not give it a try. Dr. Colver just warns us that the pessimistic perspective has a real good shot at being reality. We kind of knew that. We've kind of known that all along. I think, though, that this is the first time that he was so blunt with us.

Next Steps Already

2009-02-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

Jessica has already scheduled a meeting with Kirsh & Kirsh in Indy to begin the adoption process. We also have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Colver to discuss when we can move forward with the frozen embryos and the strategic options (sorry, it's the MBA in me) we hold for those embryos. Thaw 4 with the stats that it's a 50% chance they revive and begin to divide again? What happens if they all revive? Do we use 3? Can they be thawed and refrozen? Lots of questions to discuss with him.

The day after

2009-02-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

Well, the news has settled in a bit. We were actually expecting to get negative results, as Jessica started spotting on Friday. But, we tried to hold out hope until we got the official results from the doctors.

So, we're back to the start again. We're going to talk to Jessica's doctor this week to see what learning points we can take from a second failure and how to proceed with the 8 frozen embryos. We are, however, also going to begin to actively pursue adoption by setting up an initial meeting with Kirsh and Kirsh in Indy. As Jessica and I talked about where things stand, we want to make sure that by this time next year we are well on our way, substantively, actually, toward being parents, if not parents already. As Jessica said, we're not getting any younger. I'll be firmly in my 30's by then and Jessica will be leaving her 20's sooner than anyone wants to think. As young as we are, gulp, we're starting to feel our biological clocks thumping loudly. As Beth pointed out to us when she was here to help us recover from surgery, having babies is young peoples' jobs, not old people. We have a window of opportunity and it is still very big, but it will get smaller very quickly.

I'm optimistic, though, with the frozen embryos. Jessica's body has been jammed full of unnatural hormones to induce ovulation. I think that if her body has a chance to reset and she receives embryos in the course of a normal cycle that our chances will improve. I have zero science to base that on, but that's how I feel.

Our friends and family who are reading this know that we won't give up. It didn't take us long to move to that decision. We have back-up with embryos and, eventually, frozen sperm if needed. And adoption will be an option sooner rather than later. This one just sucks because things seemed so right. No hiccups, no dangerous levels of estrogen, plenty of back-up. And negative results. That's pretty damning for rational people like us. If everything goes right, everything should go right. Screw the odds and chances. It should have worked. That's what's pissing us off right now. But, we have no choice but to keep moving forward. And this time we have ammo.

Negative Results

2009-01-31T08:17:00.000-08:00

Shit.

They're in!

2009-01-19T12:19:00.001-08:00

Well, frankly, things could not be going better. We had a couple of very healthy embryos implanted today. I'll try to figure out how the scanner on our printer works and I'll show you all what they look like. They're very clear bundles of cells with lots of definition. Jessica's acupuncturist said he sees lots of those photos and they rarely look as well defined as ours. So, that's going really well. We're currently watching Man vs. Wild and trying to take it easy.

Another bit of good news is they froze all 8 of the other embryos! So, we have lots of options between that and two vials of frozen sperm. Like I said, things could not be going better than they are right now.

Big day today

2009-01-19T04:58:00.000-08:00

'Tis 8 AM and we're leaving in about 20 minutes to go up to Indy for implantation. Jessica has an acupuncture session before, the actual procedure at noon, followed by another acupuncture session. Beth is taking us and Janet is tagging along. I'll be there with Mergers & Acquisitions homework to occupy my time (yay?) while my wife is being poked by a variety of needles.

The hard part starts today -- keeping Jessica layed out on her back for a full week. Luckily, I'm moving around really well and should be able to take all the stairs necessary for the week. I'm even planning on going to classes this week. This part is also hard because it's the start of the long wait until we test to see if the implantation took.

So, I'm sure Jessica will post quite a bit over the next week because she has nothing but time, but there won't be any hard news for a while after today.

Updates coming frequently now

2009-01-17T05:53:00.000-08:00

Got a call from from the biologist already this morning. Of the eleven eggs retrieved, 10 were fertilized and 9 are showing very healthy signs of cell division. They're going to keep an eye on the other one with the hopes it's just a bit behind the others.

Good news for me (Clint) is that they evidently found enough sperm to freeze "two vials". I don't know how many sperm that is, but it's very good news should we have to go through Round 3. They won't have to go digging in my balls! Yay!

So, we're not only doing well on our primary goal (fertilized eggs), we are looking good to attaining our secondary goal -- enough fertilized eggs to freeze -- and developed a very unexpected third benefit of allowing me to skip a round of surgery should things go way south over the next few days.

In short, things couldn't be going better to this point.

Retrieval

2009-01-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

The retrieval went well this morning. I was scheduled for 8:00 so I had to be there at 7:00. Clint's aspiration was at 9:00 so he was able to help me get dressed in my gown, booties and cap and get hooked up to the IV. He was sweet. When my nurse had a bit of trouble getting the IV in his eyes got a little moist. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he didn't like to see me get poked. I thought to myself, "a little late for that!" since I've been poked constantly in this process.

My mom and our family friend, Susan were with me when I woke up. Susan conceived both of her children through GIFT, which I guess was the predecessor to IVF so she knows exactly what I am going through. The doctor reported they retrieved 11 eggs which, while less than last time, is still a good number. After I dressed they wheeled me down to wait for Clint. Clint's doctor reported they only had to aspirate the left side and that they found "happy swimmers." I love the image that language provides me!

So, we begin the waiting period while my healthy eggs and Clint's happy swimmers get it on. I'm a bit sore, and I know Clint is very sore so we're just going to take it easy this weekend. My mom is here which is a help, and I'm sure she'd be happier if I moved around a lot less. She helped me prepare dinner, washed the dishes (and my stovetop, which was slightly embarrassing), and even brought in the trash cans since our sanitation guys aren't comeing for another week. My poor mother; she spends most of her winter in south florida and comes up here to help me during the coldest week of the winter season. Thank God for the maternal instinct.

We are incredibly appreciative of the many messages of support and love from our friends and family we have received lately. We are also grateful for all of our friends who are bringing food and entertainment to us, and are helping us with our household chores (particularly those associated with our four-legged crew). We are lucky people to have such a network of indiviuals who care for us. So, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

We will have a fertility report tomorrow afternoon and will report back then. In the meantime, please keep up your prayers!

Tomorrow's the day

2009-01-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

Late to post, I know, but we're heading up to Carmel at 5:30 tomorrow morning for the retrieval. Our neighbor is a nurse and administered the scary deep-tissue shot into Jessica's butt at 8 PM last night to stimulate ovulation. Beth has arrived from Florida to care for us for a week. Books and DVDs have been loaned by Jessika Hane for Jessica's pending week-long bed-rest. Duriya is staying with the next family who will host her for the week. Chelsea is coming by to take the dogs to daycare once we leave. So, this is a pretty good team effort.

Jessica goes under around 8 tomorrow morning, me at 9.

Delayed

2009-01-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Our appointment today confirmed that while things are going well, we are going to be delayed until at earliest, Thursday, but more likely, Friday. My estrogen levels are at 695, which is good so they are no increasing my dosage but my largest follicles are only at 13mm (18-20 is ideal). I have some growing to do but no one is worried. Right now, it feels as if I have golf ball sized ovaries. I'm not quite at the tennis ball sized stage where it hurts to tie my shoes--that will come around Tuesday or Wednesday.I'm just tired of hauling my butt up to Carmel all the time. I'm ready to have a finite time frame in front of me--a light at the end of the tunnel.

That being said, Friday is a good day. It gives me more time to get work done, Clint gets to go through the first week of his new classes and my mom will be here, so we won't have to go begging for rides. Not that I was not grateful for all the people who offered help to us, but I want my family with me. Its a very stressful procedure and humbling at the same time. I'm drugged, naked, hooked up to an IV with cold fluid running though my system, set in stirrups, poked and prodded in my netheregions while my husband is having a similar experience downstairs and afterward I need help even putting my underwear on. Generally, I don't like exposing people outside of my inner circle to all of the above. Plus, its nice to be able to share this experience, for good or for ill, with my Mom. She knows how much I want to have a baby and has walked in my shoes before. Call it the circle of life, but it is good to have her with me.

So, needless to say, we're looking at a Friday retrieval. I go back up to Indy on Tuesday and should have more specific details then. After my appointment I go have another acupuncture session. Hopefully during this upcoming week I will be able to do yoga after work for relaxation--that should help to. I just need this week to pass quickly, for both our surgeries to be successful, to have lots and lots of fertilized eggs, and for 1 (or more) to take. That's not asking so much is it??

Up up and away!

2009-01-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

So I went from an estrogen level of 20 on just lupron to an estrogen level of 127 on Wednesday on just a few days of follostim. The funny thing is, that isn't quite high enough for my Md. He wants it a bit higher. This happened on the last cycle; I was just a bit lower then they wanted so they cranked up my follostim units. That made my estrogen to go off the charts so they're ratcheting me up slower this time, going from 150 units to 175 units. I'm interested to see where I'm at after tomorrow's appointment.Nonetheless, everything is looking good and on track. I have a very healthy, layered lining, and 5 follicles on each ovary. I will report back after tomorrow's appointment to see how things have grown.

After wednesday's appointment I had a consultation and treatment with the acupuncturist right across the hall from my Md. It was interesting. I had to fill out 5 pages of medical history. The acupuncturist was very professional. He thourougly explained things to me and let me ask as many questions as I wanted. I didn't have too many questions, I just wanted to see how it worked. I had a series of points on my back that he put needles in, concentrating around my lower back/hip region. Then I turned over and he hit some points in my lower abdomen to stimulate my ovulation. At the very end, he put three little dots, with either pressure points or magnets (they're so small) in a line from my belly button to near my public line. I had to leave those on until bedtime tonight. The main thing he emphasized to me was to reduce my stress...Hah. I will try but I make no promises. I did come home last night and do some yoga. Tonight was a different story. I didn't get home from work until 7 and went straight to making dinner. I did feel pretty relaxed all day and slept like a baby Wednesday night. My cold also cleared up, which I'm not sure is attributable to the acupuncture or just the passage of time.

I know... I'm adding insult to injury by doing acupuncture on top of all my other needles and injections but, if this is the way I de-stress and create a hospitable environment for my zygotes then so be it. I have another session on tuesday, then the day of the transfer both before and after the transfer. If this gets me pregnate, then I'll become the biggest advocate of eastern practices. If it doesn't then I can't say I didn't try everything.

Place your bets!

2009-01-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

I had a bit of a scare today. I went to the restroom around 11am and found out I was spotting a bit. Considering that I'm supposed to be building up my endometrium lining in preparation of zygote implantation, any loss of blood is bad. I tried not to panic but I did end up calling the nurse and leaving a message for her. Then I went to lunch with my boss.

When I got back from lunch the nurse had left a message. She said that sometimes, patients experience spotting when they go from having really low estrogen levels to really high levels--they get overstimulated and their bodies freak out. She said this was likely the situation with me, considering that my estrogen levels on just Lupron last Tuesday were around 20 but now I've been on 3oo units of FSH for 3 days. I'm thinking to myself, what the heck is my level going to be on Wednesday when I go up for my next battery of tests? 100? 200? Does anyone want to place a bet? It could be fun! What does it need to be at? Ack!!!! Often I have such an out of body experience with this stuff thatI feel like my brain is floating 10 feet above my body, which has become a test subject for a lab, with people hovering over it, taking random samples from it and poking it in places.

No need to worry. Nothing more happened after that brief occurence and I went about my day as normal. I'm really tired right now but don't know if that is due to the sinus infection I've been battling for a while or all the meds I'm on. Sigh. I'm beginning to look forward to spending a week on the couch.

First Doctor's Visit Today

2008-12-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Jessica and I got up nice and early this morning, after having dinner with Keyvan and Christine, Jackie and Dave (engaged, by the way), Brian and Laura, and the fabulous Miss Duriya Russamee, to drive to Carmel for the kick-off ceremony of a month of fertility fun. The run-down: ultrasound = zero cysts = healthy ovaries and the expensive drugs were ordered, all resulting in the quickest ten grand I've seen spent. Doesn't cover meds, of course, but it does cover all office visits and Jessica's surgery. We have a short reprieve through the weekend and then we go up to Carmel most every day next week. Target date remains the 14th of January, but that's a very, very soft date. In August it took two extra days for Jessica's ovaries to swell to the requisite grapefruit-size.

We did find a way to save $300/vial on her super-ovulation meds, which is good. That should save us over a grand on the whole kit and kaboodle. Man, this crap is expensive.

Jessica dutifully went to work upon returning to Bloomington. I went home to try to nap (tee hee) and played a few hours of Lego Indiana Jones with Duriya.

Breathe Deep before diving in

2008-12-08T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today marks the first day of a new journey. This whole weekend I felt as if I was on the edge of a precipice--like one of those cars in the cartoons that is teetering precariously on a cliff. A stiff breeze would knock you over, tumbling down the valley below.

This morning the wind blew the car off the precipice. I called the Nurse to double check our dates for the procedures and timing of meds. She started me on birth control pills again too, just to make sure everything falls where they want it (i.e. January 14th for the retrieval, and 3 days after that for the transfer). I do have a bit of a reprieve as I won't become a human pin cushion for another week and the daily visits to the blood lab and ultrasound room won't start until the week after next. Merry Christmas! Santa brought me a stocking full of sharps and hormones this year!

This round I've decided to cut a lot of extraneous stuff out of my diet, which is not altogether a bad thing. All the meds (including the birth control pills) put my body through the ringer so I need to make sure I have a lot of fluids in my system. I am not going to drink alcohol even before the retrieval date mostly because my kidneys are working overtime to filter out all this junk and I don't want to push them. So much for the Christmas day tradition of Chinese food, doritos and champagne! I am also going to try to cut out the caffeine. I'm not much of a caffeine hound, in that I only drink 1 cup of fully leaded coffee a day, but it is very strong, and I just don't want to take the risk as caffeine has been linked with miscarriage. Oh how I do love my one cup o'joe though! I will have to take the weaning experience slow. I don't imagine that a supercharged hormonal attorney going cold turkey on coffee would be a pleasant thing for innocent bystanders (i.e. my husband and co-workers) to experience.

I find it serendipitous that as we begin this cycle again we find ourselves thick in the season of Advent, the season of waiting for the birth of Jesus . Now, Clint and I are beginning our own season of advent, of waiting for the birth of a child. I pray for the patience I need to endure the waiting. I pray for the faith I will need to strengthen me through the next month, come what may.

At church this past Sunday there were a number of readings from a little known prophet, Habakkuk which resonated with me. Perhaps resonated is not strong enough of a word. Rather, they reached into my body, touched my heart and felt its ache. I cannot tell you how many times since we started down this path that I have railed something akin to the prophet's statement, "O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not listen?"

After our first round I know that I will no longer be pie-in-the-sky optimistic but I do not want to be roundly pessimistic either. I need to strike an emotional balance between the two. Whatever the result of this next round of fertility procedures, I need to be able to embody the spirit found in this passage (Habakkuk 3:17-19):

Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no heard in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will exult in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
who makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights.

If you know me, you know that I am not one for quoting scripture as it usually comes off sounding hollow and self-righteous. However, there are times when the tone is appropriate and now I find immense strength in that passage. I want to cleave to it to find my balance. What we've gone through, and what we're doing again, is not for the feint of heart or the weak of will. I need to gather my strength wherever and however I can. I must have faith that whatever happens, we will have a child whom we love and adore and make a part of our lives.

January

2008-09-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

After pulling out our calendars, we've decided to shoot for January for IVF round 2. Waiting until January is good because it gives Clint plenty of time to heal, makes sure that he gets through his finals, and allows my body some time to heal as well. However, there are a few downsides to January as well: (a) just waiting to start the craziness again ( At some level, it would almost be easier on me emotionally to keep moving constantly towards our goal, but mentally I understand the need to postpone for a while), (b) having to driving up to Carmel every other day in December when the weather could be nasty, and (c) throwing our holiday plans up in the air. Earlier this year we thought we would be able to drive down to Florida to spend Christmas with my family and Duriya, our exchange student. Now, we're unsure where we'll be in the preparatory process to know whether we can still hold those plans. I know that in the grand scheme of things my family will be OK with whatever we feel we have to do; it just sucks to spend another Christmas without them around.

Again, I apologize to my friends for going AWOL. I feel like I'm just now beginning to emerge from my black hole. This process is all consuming and then to get the news that we did just really messed my world up. I would say that still for about 3/4 of my week I feel completely disheartened that Clint and I will never have children and we will spend years and hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. I feel as if I'm experiencing samsara, a constant vortex of craving, clutching, grasping for something and coming up empty handed, empty souled, over and over again. Its just hard to keep your head above water in that mess.

I loathe going out in public right now because I am acutely aware of all the pregnate women around me, or the couples with small children. I can't focus on anything else and hot tears of self loathing for the jealousy and hopeless I feel stings my eyes. I want to feel happy for these women. I know I should feel happy for them but I simply cannot stand to be around them. It's not their problem--its totally mine and I hate it.

We had one glimmer of light this week when we met with one of our friends to get some information about adoption. She adopted 2 boys, the eldest of whom is approaching 13, I think. It was good to talk with her because she eroded a lot of myths that I was concerned about after researching adoption. Talking with her also assured us that we should not experience any problems trying to adopt given that we're young, educated and successful. We're the type of parents birth mothers want their children to go to. We still are just in the information gathering phase but we have made some early decisions if we decide to follow this path. First, is that we won't move beyond the information gathering stage unless and until conceiving our own child is impossible. Second, we will adopt domestically. Third, we will adopt a newborn, and fourth, we will use an attorney's office, rather than an adoption agency.

Still there is a lot of time to pass before we will know exactly what path to follow. I just hope my patience and faith will carry me through.

Next Steps

2008-09-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the silence. After receiving the news on Friday I didn't much feel like talking to anyone-including my husband. I had (have?- Not quite sure I'm done) a lot of ugly thoughts and emotions running around in my head that I didn't feel like exposing you to.

As Clint posted earlier, we did see his doctor on Friday so we went into the weekend armed with a bit of information. He was very positive, but we decided that we wouldn't truly decide our next steps until we asked some questions of my doctor. As the weekend progressed, we felt that if we heard positive information from my doctor, we would probably try again, however we would simultaneously look into adoption options. In fact we're meeting with a church friend to pick her brain about adoption this Friday.

My doctor called this morning to talk and our conversation went well. Overall he was very positive. He informed us that the institutional wisdom is to implant blastocysts at day 5 then zygotes at day 3. He said our zygotes looked so good at day 3 there was no indications that things would so dramatically slow down by day 5. So I asked whether he would do a day 3 transfer if we opted to do this again and he said yes. My body is generally a better incubator than his machines. Plus, by doing a day 3 transfer that would allow us to freeze the remaining eggs to use for later, in case it failed again. He did not seem to think there were any genetic problems with our eggs and sperm. He informed us that typically, if there is a genetic problem you see signs very early and at day 3 we had 3-4 PERFECT zygotes. I also asked him the number of zygotes he would implant if we did this again. He said my young age asks for only 2 to be implanted, thinking that the statistics of me carrying both is very high. But, he then said, the fact that I have a failed IVF procedure may indicated that implanting 3 is not off the table. He did, however, qualify this statement by saying that having twins is pretty normal now, but having triplets is SOO much harder. He concluded by saying that he would do whatever we asked him to do though. My last question was how long I have to wait before trying again. Clearly, from that question you can see where our hearts are leading us. He said we only have to give my ovaries a 1 month break. He ended the conversation by saying that he thought we had a very good chance of making this happen. YEAH!!

Clint and I spent some time talking about this news and owned up to the fact that we would gladly rip our bodies apart and impoverish ourselves if those actions would allow us to have a natural child. We also decided that the larger question of the number of zygotes we will ask the doctor to implant cannot be answered now. We will have to ask him more questions as time progresses about the statistical advantage to having 3 implanted balanced against the risk to my and the future babies health. We also took a look at our calendars. We still have to check with our doctor's offices but right now it seems our first choice would be to have the transfer during early to mid January, with our second choice being around Thanksgiving.

So... Take a deep breath for here we go again. Obviously we'll be more jaded and cautious, but I will not lose my faith in God nor my love for my husband, family or friends who embrace us through this trial--for however long it lasts.

Negative results

2008-08-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

Well, fuck.

Pretty much sums it up. Jessica and I are floored at the moment. We're digesting these results and will be giving ourselves time to figure out what our next steps will be.

The only decent news today is that I had my follow-up appointment for my surgery. I'm healing just fine and the doctor informed us that if we decided to do another round of ICSI, my right testicle will be recovered sufficiently in 3 months to proceed. My left ball wasn't touched last time, so that guy is ready to go already.

So, we still have options and hope (but, of the substantial kind, not the Obama kind). But, dear friends and family, bear with us as we process our grief.

First Day Back at Work

2008-08-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to lie-I'm pretty pooped. I worked from about 7:30-5:00 today but was operating at a very a languid pace. Nonetheless, I didn't feel particularly great so that made my day pretty long. I also got a lot of concerned looks, questions and statements that I looked tired (no woman, no matter how true it is and how bad she feels, wants to hear that!).

I woke up feeling woozy-my stomach was churning and I was dizzy. I thought food would help but actually, I nearly lost my cookies after breakfast and left the house with an emergency plastic bag and a cup of chamomile tea. Then, when I got to work I almost fell asleep while one of my co-workers worked on my computer. Nonetheless, I pepped up, fell into a rhythm after a while and was pretty happy. I did a lot of slow breathing exercises too. Clint insisted on calling me every hour to make sure took breaks and was calm. Frankly, I take a lot of breaks given the number of bathroom stops I make during the day.

Right now Clint is making dinner and I'm watching the news in my PJs while sitting on the couch where I'm sure I'll reside for the next 4 hours or so until bedtime. I'm quite relaxed and happy. Clint is being very selfless and cute, worrying over me. He has stepped up a lot around the house despite still be not quite 100% himself. I have a fantastic husband and friend in him!

I hope to God this feeling of discomfort is due to a pregnancy and not my nervousness. I'm trying to be calm and let this worry go but letting go is something I generally struggle with. I will continue to take care of myself, slow down and give myself lots of TLC but whether my embryos stay and grow is truly in the hands of God. Clint and I have worked hard and done all the right things but at some level, I feel as if it is no longer up to us. Keep praying with me my friends!!!

In my defense!

2008-08-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was a very very good girl and only moved from the couch over the past 2 days when (a) I had to pee or (b) Clint said so. For those of you who know me, you know how hard this has been for me. Sitting still for days on end is generally not my forte. Yesterday I didn't do much other than eat, sleep and watch TV. Today, I did a bit of work but then Clint yelled at me for stressing out and we got that relatively sad bit of news from the doctor, so I put the rest of my work aside. I spent the remainder of my day reading (and finished!) my new book club book which I simply devoured. Speaking of devouring, I've been constantly growly hungry today. Not ravenously hungry, just this odd persistent gnawing at my insides. I hope its a good sign but not trying to read too much into it, or create psychosomatic symptoms.

I also have done a lot of praying and talking to my embryos, convincing them they are in a good place and they should stay and grow. That probably sounds a little crazy but every little bit helps. My family is concerned about me going back to work tomorrow. They think I will push myself too hard, but can't sit on a couch for another week waiting to take a pregnancy test. I would go crazy if I had to do that. I promise promise promise to take breaks, slow down, come home at a reasonable time and then do NOTHING.

My mantra for this time period involves the three P's- Positiveness, Placidness, and Prayerfulness. I will need to remind myself of this mantra during the day to combat my compulsiveness because, unfortunately, when I get stressed I become slightly manic.
Above all else I have drive and will power so I will rely on that to keep myself in check. This is too big of a journey and a commitment for me to risk it for a few more hours at work. I don't live to work, I work to live.

First bit of not the best news

2008-08-20T07:00:00.001-07:00

Just got a call from the biologist, who informed us that the remaining embryos did not advance sufficently to justify freezing. So, the result of yesterday's implantation is our only shot, unless we want to go through the process again in the future. But, that's a decision for a later time that could be proven moot with a successful implantation. That phone call just made the wait until the pregnancy test next Friday all the more difficult.

Speaking of successful implantation, Jessica's been mostly good about keeping still. I'm still having to threaten to sit on her to keep her down, though. Allowing her to bring home work was something to which I conceded too easily. She was all in a tizzy about not being able to get her work laptop to connect properly or some such shit, which made me a nervous wreck trying to keep her pinned to the couch in a prone and relaxed position. But, she's moved on, calmed down, and will wrap up her work in just a few minutes and relax the rest of the day. I think that phone call scared her as much as it scared me.

Implantation photos

2008-08-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Here's Jessica, all ready for the implantation procedure. What is that that she's reading?...

Necessary literature for such a procedure, US Weekly. I'm so glad she's taking this so seriously.

Fuzzy Clint in a bunny suit, ready to offer nothing but moral support. Sorry for the quality of the photos, my phone camera's not the best, and neither was the lighting.

And, they're in.

2008-08-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Clint here, logged in on Jessica's account until we can figure out the permissions to let me post. Jessica is nearby, watching Olympic volleyball while doped up on Valium, screaming at the US team like she knows what she's talking about. Oh, yeah, she does know what she's talking about...

We went up to Carmel for the, hopefully, final time today. Turns out we did it on a totally flat driver's side rear tire. Whoops. Obama would have our heads for that one. The implantation procedure went very smoothly. I'll try to post the photos of us in our gear later this afternoon, if I can figure out how to send photos from my phone. They gave us a picture of the blastocysts they were implanting and told us there were three other ones they are thinking will continue to mature and be frozen tomorrow.

The procedure was very swift and uncomplicated. We watched on the ultrasound through Jessica's abdomen as Dr. Colver implanted the two cell clusters out of a very long syringe-type instrument. And that was that. We cried and hugged each other before going back to the prep room to put our clothes back on.

Jessica is now on 48 hours of bedrest. The dogs are at daycare, thanks to Jessica's parents. They were getting quite a bad case of cabin fever with us lazing about for the past week, so it's good to get them active for a while and give Jessica some peace today.

The next step is a pregnancy test a week from Friday, so we're in a long period of waiting, hoping, and relaxing. Jessica will still be taking her endometrin thrice daily, but otherwise treating herself as if she's pregnant.

I'm doing a lot better myself. Well enough to drive, at least. I'm still sitting on ice and avoiding 100 meter dashes, but I'm able to move around a lot better. Which is good, as school activities start Friday, if I'm able.

As I said, I'll try to post some photos today. 'Til then.

Good News

2008-08-17T04:37:00.001-07:00

The lab just called to let us know the zygotes are looking very good, so they're going to push back the transfer until Tuesday. This is really good news and increases our chances of a pregnancy. With the transfer on Tuesday, the zygote should now be a blastocyst, which according to Wikipedia, "possesses an inner cell mass, or embryoblast which subsequently forms the embryo, and an outer cell mass, or trophoblast which forms the placenta. The human blastocyst arises after compaction and comprises 70-100 cells." For your viewing pleasure I have attached a photo of a blastocyst (not ours). The ICM label stands for inner cell mass, which will become the fetus. The C stands for blastocel cavity.

Its far better to transfer a blastocyst then a zygote because a healthy blastocyst that has hatched out of its shell will implant itself in the uterus within 1-2 days of the IFV transfer.

Having the transfer on Tuesday is also good news for Clint and I because it gives our bodies more time to recuperate. Clint is still not very mobile and it would be very difficult at this stage for me to be on 48 hours complete bedrest. We are hoping that by Tuesday, he is able to walk about the house and up and down stairs to care for all the animals as well as myself. Plus, I'm still pretty crampy and sore so a few more days of down time is heartily welcomed. I plan on spending the entire day on the couch, sleeping, watching the Olympics or Movies, knitting and playing Wii.

New Beginnings

2008-08-16T07:53:00.001-07:00

Clint and I decided to create a blog in order to help us process some of our thoughts and emotions as we go through Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART). We also thought our friends and family could use it to keep in touch with us throughout the process.

As background:

2 years ago, Clint and I decided we would try to start a family. Like most people, we thought we would conceive right away, particularly since we both come from relatively fertile families. We thought that if we had trouble, it would be on my end because my brother and I were both the products of Clomid. Nonetheless, we tried diligently for about 1 year. I became concerned so we went to see a gynecologist in the office where I had been seen since I was 13. He suggested that before we went poking about with me, that Clint be tested. Unfortunately, his test did not come back with very good results. He was crushed, particularly so because the gynecologist did not offer very much to be positive about. Nonetheless, he referred us to a local Bloomington urologist. This urologist examined Clint and was very kind and helpful. He referred us to the premier male infertility specialist in the state of Indiana, and went so far as to make an appointment for us the very week he made the referral. Needless to say, we hold the local urologist in very high esteem so if you ever need one, let us know and we'll give out his name and location.

The specialist in Indianapolis suggested that Clint have surgery to eliminate 2 large veins in his system and to determine what, if any, sperm making ability he had. So, this past December Clint underwent very serious surgery that involved cauterizing those veins, removing some fatty tissue and have a bilateral testicular biopsy. It took him three very long weeks to recover from the surgery but he was a trooper.

About 4 months after the surgery, the specialist started talking to us about options other than natural conception. We decided to use a fertility group located in Carmel and started meeting with the excellent doctors there to examine me. They determined that we needed to use a procedure called IVF with ICSI (in vitro fertilization with intro cytoplasmic sperm injection). This essentially entails hyper-stimulating my ovaries, harvesting the eggs, aspirating sperm from Clint and physically inserting the sperm directly into the the eggs. This would also mean that Clint and I would undergo surgery at the same time.

In July it was determined that my uterus was well positioned to begin the IVF procedure. So, on I began daily injections of a drug called Lupron. Lupron essentially threw my body into menopause, suppressing my ovulation and all hormones associated with it. After a week or so of the injections the office took blood to ensure my hormones were sufficiently suppressed. Then, on August 1, I began my twice daily injections of the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) in addition to continuing the once daily injections of Lupron. The FSH made me feel very hyper, aggressive, and crazy. It reminded me of being 16 years old wanting to drive very very fast with the top down, eating cheese fries and toilet papering houses. Not that I ever TP'd anyones house when I was 16, but it made me feel like I wanted to.

I didn't really mind the shots other than 1) I had a u-shaped pattern of track marks and bruising around my belly button, 2) my belly felt very swollen and uncomfortable, 3) I felt like I had to pee all the time from the pressure of my growing ovaries, and 4) the FSH is ridiculously expensive (think $700 per 60unit tube--I went through 5 tubes) and not covered by insurance. yeah.

After 5 days of the FSH I had blood work done to see where my estrogen level was along with an intrauterine ultrasound to see how many follicles my ovaries were developing and their respective sizes. They both the ultrasound and the blood work to determine how much FSH to give me and when to schedule the retrieval. From August 5 through the 13th, I went up to Carmel every other day for blood work and an ultrasound. Finally, I was told this past Monday that I would receive my hCG shot on Tuesday night and the retrieval was scheduled for Thursday morning. The hcG shot is a deep tissue shot in the upper hip that essentially triggers my ovaries to send those developing follicles into overdrive. A very sweet Doctor friend of mine agreed to give me the shot. She did a great job and I had no bleeding or excessive pain.

Currently:

Clint and I both had surgery bright and early Thursday morning. They retrieved 18 eggs from me and a very good tissue sample from Clint. In fact they were so happy with the tissue sample that they did not tap his left testicle. This is very good for him for 2 basic reasons: 1) he was worried that they would not find ANY sperm and we would have to use our backup donor sperm, and 2) his recovery will be shorter.

Yes, I did say donor sperm. We thought long and hard about whether or not we were going to use any as a backup in case they could not find any sperm from Clint Initially, Clint did not want to use any. Over time, and with the help of counseling, he realized the chance they would not find any sperm from him was relatively small (20% ) but he would love any child as his own. Therefore, we agreed to have a vial as backup, both sincerely hoping that it would not have to be used. In the end, we were blessed and did not have to use the donor sperm. Telling my husband that they got a good sample from him was one of the happiest moments I have shared with him to date.

In fact the sample was better than either one of us expected. We learned from the biologist yesterday that of the 18 eggs retrieved, 15 were inseminated, and 10 were showing signs of fertilization. Clint was so happy and relieved to know they found enough sperm to inseminate 15!!!

They will continue to monitor all the eggs this weekend. I am scheduled to go up to Carmel tomorrow for transfer of the best 2 eggs at 9:30 am. However, they will check on the eggs at 7:00 am. If they are at a particular stage of development, they will leave them alone and the transfer will be postponed until Tuesday morning. I don't really understand this stage very well but I basically understand it is better to implant a blastocyst, which is further along in development, then an embryo. Nonetheless, if things are not progressing as fast as they want, they will go ahead and get the embryos in my body on Sunday. Either way, we won't know until tomorrow morning at 7:00am.

I'm not done with drugs by the way. I started this morning taking something called endometrium, which looks like a Monistat Suppository. Its a tablet of some type of hormone that is supposed to assist my body prepare for handling an implanted embryo, to make sure that I get certifiably pregnate. I have to take it 3 times a day through my first pregnancy test at the end of this month. I don't know if it was the drug or the fact my body is still sore from the retrieval surgery but my first dose this morning made me incredibly crampy. So, I curled up on the couch for an hour then took a nice hot bubble bath. I feel much better now but I'm still going to take it easy today. I need to prepare my body for the baby/ies I'm going to receive later this week.

Once the embryos/blastocysts are transferred to my body I have to be on strict bed rest for 2 days. I swear I am going to honor this directive to the T. See, I'm not the best patient. I'm too much of my father obey the request "take it easy" very well. I was supposed to take it easy following the retrieval surgery Thursday but I'm not doing so well with that one. I walked around a lot Thursday afternoon/evening and went to work on Friday from 7:15am to 6:00pm. I also walked from my office on College to the First Christian Church on Kirkwood and Washington and back, which was probably too much walking for me. I think my mother wants to strap me down to a couch and only let me up to go see the doctor. But Clint and I have gone through too much, and we have too much at stake for me to play fast and loose with the implanted embryos/blastocysts. I don't want to risk anything, so I will only get up when absolutely necessary!!!

We are so blessed to have great friends and family to help us out. My parents chauffeured us on Thursday and my mom will drive me again for the transfer. They also brought dinner over for us last night, cleaned the kitchen and even emptied my dishwasher. My mom is also going grocery shopping for me this morning. She doesn't want me walking around too much, pushing the heavy cart or lifting the grocery sack. My parents are great and I think they're getting the tiniest bit excited about having a grandchild/grandchildren. My friend Chelsea is being a dear too. She came over Thursday night and made Clint and I dinner. She is also going to hang out with me later today and when I'm on bed rest too.

That's the other thing. I mentioned we have 10 fertilized eggs and that they're going to transfer the best 2 later this week. Given my health and age, the doctor thought the likelihood of us having twins is around 60%. That information is blowing my mind. In 1 year, we have gone from the probably of not having any children at all, to the possibility of having 2! CRAZINESS!! I would be ecstatic to have just 1, so 2 would be out of this world amazing.

I just don't quite know how to express my thanks and appreciation to all the people who have supported Clint and I through this process and who helped make it possible. I also don't know how to express my gratefulness that we have achieved so much. A simple thank you is insufficient, but for once, this lawyer is at a loss for more appropriate words.