Jessica and I got up nice and early this morning, after having dinner with Keyvan and Christine, Jackie and Dave (engaged, by the way), Brian and Laura, and the fabulous Miss Duriya Russamee, to drive to Carmel for the kick-off ceremony of a month of fertility fun. The run-down: ultrasound = zero cysts = healthy ovaries and the expensive drugs were ordered, all resulting in the quickest ten grand I've seen spent. Doesn't cover meds, of course, but it does cover all office visits and Jessica's surgery. We have a short reprieve through the weekend and then we go up to Carmel most every day next week. Target date remains the 14th of January, but that's a very, very soft date. In August it took two extra days for Jessica's ovaries to swell to the requisite grapefruit-size.
We did find a way to save $300/vial on her super-ovulation meds, which is good. That should save us over a grand on the whole kit and kaboodle. Man, this crap is expensive.
Jessica dutifully went to work upon returning to Bloomington. I went home to try to nap (tee hee) and played a few hours of Lego Indiana Jones with Duriya.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Breathe Deep before diving in
Today marks the first day of a new journey. This whole weekend I felt as if I was on the edge of a precipice--like one of those cars in the cartoons that is teetering precariously on a cliff. A stiff breeze would knock you over, tumbling down the valley below.
This morning the wind blew the car off the precipice. I called the Nurse to double check our dates for the procedures and timing of meds. She started me on birth control pills again too, just to make sure everything falls where they want it (i.e. January 14th for the retrieval, and 3 days after that for the transfer). I do have a bit of a reprieve as I won't become a human pin cushion for another week and the daily visits to the blood lab and ultrasound room won't start until the week after next. Merry Christmas! Santa brought me a stocking full of sharps and hormones this year!
This round I've decided to cut a lot of extraneous stuff out of my diet, which is not altogether a bad thing. All the meds (including the birth control pills) put my body through the ringer so I need to make sure I have a lot of fluids in my system. I am not going to drink alcohol even before the retrieval date mostly because my kidneys are working overtime to filter out all this junk and I don't want to push them. So much for the Christmas day tradition of Chinese food, doritos and champagne! I am also going to try to cut out the caffeine. I'm not much of a caffeine hound, in that I only drink 1 cup of fully leaded coffee a day, but it is very strong, and I just don't want to take the risk as caffeine has been linked with miscarriage. Oh how I do love my one cup o'joe though! I will have to take the weaning experience slow. I don't imagine that a supercharged hormonal attorney going cold turkey on coffee would be a pleasant thing for innocent bystanders (i.e. my husband and co-workers) to experience.
I find it serendipitous that as we begin this cycle again we find ourselves thick in the season of Advent, the season of waiting for the birth of Jesus . Now, Clint and I are beginning our own season of advent, of waiting for the birth of a child. I pray for the patience I need to endure the waiting. I pray for the faith I will need to strengthen me through the next month, come what may.
At church this past Sunday there were a number of readings from a little known prophet, Habakkuk which resonated with me. Perhaps resonated is not strong enough of a word. Rather, they reached into my body, touched my heart and felt its ache. I cannot tell you how many times since we started down this path that I have railed something akin to the prophet's statement, "O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not listen?"
After our first round I know that I will no longer be pie-in-the-sky optimistic but I do not want to be roundly pessimistic either. I need to strike an emotional balance between the two. Whatever the result of this next round of fertility procedures, I need to be able to embody the spirit found in this passage (Habakkuk 3:17-19):
Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no heard in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will exult in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
who makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights.
If you know me, you know that I am not one for quoting scripture as it usually comes off sounding hollow and self-righteous. However, there are times when the tone is appropriate and now I find immense strength in that passage. I want to cleave to it to find my balance. What we've gone through, and what we're doing again, is not for the feint of heart or the weak of will. I need to gather my strength wherever and however I can. I must have faith that whatever happens, we will have a child whom we love and adore and make a part of our lives.
This morning the wind blew the car off the precipice. I called the Nurse to double check our dates for the procedures and timing of meds. She started me on birth control pills again too, just to make sure everything falls where they want it (i.e. January 14th for the retrieval, and 3 days after that for the transfer). I do have a bit of a reprieve as I won't become a human pin cushion for another week and the daily visits to the blood lab and ultrasound room won't start until the week after next. Merry Christmas! Santa brought me a stocking full of sharps and hormones this year!
This round I've decided to cut a lot of extraneous stuff out of my diet, which is not altogether a bad thing. All the meds (including the birth control pills) put my body through the ringer so I need to make sure I have a lot of fluids in my system. I am not going to drink alcohol even before the retrieval date mostly because my kidneys are working overtime to filter out all this junk and I don't want to push them. So much for the Christmas day tradition of Chinese food, doritos and champagne! I am also going to try to cut out the caffeine. I'm not much of a caffeine hound, in that I only drink 1 cup of fully leaded coffee a day, but it is very strong, and I just don't want to take the risk as caffeine has been linked with miscarriage. Oh how I do love my one cup o'joe though! I will have to take the weaning experience slow. I don't imagine that a supercharged hormonal attorney going cold turkey on coffee would be a pleasant thing for innocent bystanders (i.e. my husband and co-workers) to experience.
I find it serendipitous that as we begin this cycle again we find ourselves thick in the season of Advent, the season of waiting for the birth of Jesus . Now, Clint and I are beginning our own season of advent, of waiting for the birth of a child. I pray for the patience I need to endure the waiting. I pray for the faith I will need to strengthen me through the next month, come what may.
At church this past Sunday there were a number of readings from a little known prophet, Habakkuk which resonated with me. Perhaps resonated is not strong enough of a word. Rather, they reached into my body, touched my heart and felt its ache. I cannot tell you how many times since we started down this path that I have railed something akin to the prophet's statement, "O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not listen?"
After our first round I know that I will no longer be pie-in-the-sky optimistic but I do not want to be roundly pessimistic either. I need to strike an emotional balance between the two. Whatever the result of this next round of fertility procedures, I need to be able to embody the spirit found in this passage (Habakkuk 3:17-19):
Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no heard in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will exult in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
who makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights.
If you know me, you know that I am not one for quoting scripture as it usually comes off sounding hollow and self-righteous. However, there are times when the tone is appropriate and now I find immense strength in that passage. I want to cleave to it to find my balance. What we've gone through, and what we're doing again, is not for the feint of heart or the weak of will. I need to gather my strength wherever and however I can. I must have faith that whatever happens, we will have a child whom we love and adore and make a part of our lives.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
January
After pulling out our calendars, we've decided to shoot for January for IVF round 2. Waiting until January is good because it gives Clint plenty of time to heal, makes sure that he gets through his finals, and allows my body some time to heal as well. However, there are a few downsides to January as well: (a) just waiting to start the craziness again ( At some level, it would almost be easier on me emotionally to keep moving constantly towards our goal, but mentally I understand the need to postpone for a while), (b) having to driving up to Carmel every other day in December when the weather could be nasty, and (c) throwing our holiday plans up in the air. Earlier this year we thought we would be able to drive down to Florida to spend Christmas with my family and Duriya, our exchange student. Now, we're unsure where we'll be in the preparatory process to know whether we can still hold those plans. I know that in the grand scheme of things my family will be OK with whatever we feel we have to do; it just sucks to spend another Christmas without them around.
Again, I apologize to my friends for going AWOL. I feel like I'm just now beginning to emerge from my black hole. This process is all consuming and then to get the news that we did just really messed my world up. I would say that still for about 3/4 of my week I feel completely disheartened that Clint and I will never have children and we will spend years and hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. I feel as if I'm experiencing samsara, a constant vortex of craving, clutching, grasping for something and coming up empty handed, empty souled, over and over again. Its just hard to keep your head above water in that mess.
I loathe going out in public right now because I am acutely aware of all the pregnate women around me, or the couples with small children. I can't focus on anything else and hot tears of self loathing for the jealousy and hopeless I feel stings my eyes. I want to feel happy for these women. I know I should feel happy for them but I simply cannot stand to be around them. It's not their problem--its totally mine and I hate it.
We had one glimmer of light this week when we met with one of our friends to get some information about adoption. She adopted 2 boys, the eldest of whom is approaching 13, I think. It was good to talk with her because she eroded a lot of myths that I was concerned about after researching adoption. Talking with her also assured us that we should not experience any problems trying to adopt given that we're young, educated and successful. We're the type of parents birth mothers want their children to go to. We still are just in the information gathering phase but we have made some early decisions if we decide to follow this path. First, is that we won't move beyond the information gathering stage unless and until conceiving our own child is impossible. Second, we will adopt domestically. Third, we will adopt a newborn, and fourth, we will use an attorney's office, rather than an adoption agency.
Still there is a lot of time to pass before we will know exactly what path to follow. I just hope my patience and faith will carry me through.
Again, I apologize to my friends for going AWOL. I feel like I'm just now beginning to emerge from my black hole. This process is all consuming and then to get the news that we did just really messed my world up. I would say that still for about 3/4 of my week I feel completely disheartened that Clint and I will never have children and we will spend years and hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. I feel as if I'm experiencing samsara, a constant vortex of craving, clutching, grasping for something and coming up empty handed, empty souled, over and over again. Its just hard to keep your head above water in that mess.
I loathe going out in public right now because I am acutely aware of all the pregnate women around me, or the couples with small children. I can't focus on anything else and hot tears of self loathing for the jealousy and hopeless I feel stings my eyes. I want to feel happy for these women. I know I should feel happy for them but I simply cannot stand to be around them. It's not their problem--its totally mine and I hate it.
We had one glimmer of light this week when we met with one of our friends to get some information about adoption. She adopted 2 boys, the eldest of whom is approaching 13, I think. It was good to talk with her because she eroded a lot of myths that I was concerned about after researching adoption. Talking with her also assured us that we should not experience any problems trying to adopt given that we're young, educated and successful. We're the type of parents birth mothers want their children to go to. We still are just in the information gathering phase but we have made some early decisions if we decide to follow this path. First, is that we won't move beyond the information gathering stage unless and until conceiving our own child is impossible. Second, we will adopt domestically. Third, we will adopt a newborn, and fourth, we will use an attorney's office, rather than an adoption agency.
Still there is a lot of time to pass before we will know exactly what path to follow. I just hope my patience and faith will carry me through.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Next Steps
I apologize for the silence. After receiving the news on Friday I didn't much feel like talking to anyone-including my husband. I had (have?- Not quite sure I'm done) a lot of ugly thoughts and emotions running around in my head that I didn't feel like exposing you to.
As Clint posted earlier, we did see his doctor on Friday so we went into the weekend armed with a bit of information. He was very positive, but we decided that we wouldn't truly decide our next steps until we asked some questions of my doctor. As the weekend progressed, we felt that if we heard positive information from my doctor, we would probably try again, however we would simultaneously look into adoption options. In fact we're meeting with a church friend to pick her brain about adoption this Friday.
My doctor called this morning to talk and our conversation went well. Overall he was very positive. He informed us that the institutional wisdom is to implant blastocysts at day 5 then zygotes at day 3. He said our zygotes looked so good at day 3 there was no indications that things would so dramatically slow down by day 5. So I asked whether he would do a day 3 transfer if we opted to do this again and he said yes. My body is generally a better incubator than his machines. Plus, by doing a day 3 transfer that would allow us to freeze the remaining eggs to use for later, in case it failed again. He did not seem to think there were any genetic problems with our eggs and sperm. He informed us that typically, if there is a genetic problem you see signs very early and at day 3 we had 3-4 PERFECT zygotes. I also asked him the number of zygotes he would implant if we did this again. He said my young age asks for only 2 to be implanted, thinking that the statistics of me carrying both is very high. But, he then said, the fact that I have a failed IVF procedure may indicated that implanting 3 is not off the table. He did, however, qualify this statement by saying that having twins is pretty normal now, but having triplets is SOO much harder. He concluded by saying that he would do whatever we asked him to do though. My last question was how long I have to wait before trying again. Clearly, from that question you can see where our hearts are leading us. He said we only have to give my ovaries a 1 month break. He ended the conversation by saying that he thought we had a very good chance of making this happen. YEAH!!
Clint and I spent some time talking about this news and owned up to the fact that we would gladly rip our bodies apart and impoverish ourselves if those actions would allow us to have a natural child. We also decided that the larger question of the number of zygotes we will ask the doctor to implant cannot be answered now. We will have to ask him more questions as time progresses about the statistical advantage to having 3 implanted balanced against the risk to my and the future babies health. We also took a look at our calendars. We still have to check with our doctor's offices but right now it seems our first choice would be to have the transfer during early to mid January, with our second choice being around Thanksgiving.
So... Take a deep breath for here we go again. Obviously we'll be more jaded and cautious, but I will not lose my faith in God nor my love for my husband, family or friends who embrace us through this trial--for however long it lasts.
As Clint posted earlier, we did see his doctor on Friday so we went into the weekend armed with a bit of information. He was very positive, but we decided that we wouldn't truly decide our next steps until we asked some questions of my doctor. As the weekend progressed, we felt that if we heard positive information from my doctor, we would probably try again, however we would simultaneously look into adoption options. In fact we're meeting with a church friend to pick her brain about adoption this Friday.
My doctor called this morning to talk and our conversation went well. Overall he was very positive. He informed us that the institutional wisdom is to implant blastocysts at day 5 then zygotes at day 3. He said our zygotes looked so good at day 3 there was no indications that things would so dramatically slow down by day 5. So I asked whether he would do a day 3 transfer if we opted to do this again and he said yes. My body is generally a better incubator than his machines. Plus, by doing a day 3 transfer that would allow us to freeze the remaining eggs to use for later, in case it failed again. He did not seem to think there were any genetic problems with our eggs and sperm. He informed us that typically, if there is a genetic problem you see signs very early and at day 3 we had 3-4 PERFECT zygotes. I also asked him the number of zygotes he would implant if we did this again. He said my young age asks for only 2 to be implanted, thinking that the statistics of me carrying both is very high. But, he then said, the fact that I have a failed IVF procedure may indicated that implanting 3 is not off the table. He did, however, qualify this statement by saying that having twins is pretty normal now, but having triplets is SOO much harder. He concluded by saying that he would do whatever we asked him to do though. My last question was how long I have to wait before trying again. Clearly, from that question you can see where our hearts are leading us. He said we only have to give my ovaries a 1 month break. He ended the conversation by saying that he thought we had a very good chance of making this happen. YEAH!!
Clint and I spent some time talking about this news and owned up to the fact that we would gladly rip our bodies apart and impoverish ourselves if those actions would allow us to have a natural child. We also decided that the larger question of the number of zygotes we will ask the doctor to implant cannot be answered now. We will have to ask him more questions as time progresses about the statistical advantage to having 3 implanted balanced against the risk to my and the future babies health. We also took a look at our calendars. We still have to check with our doctor's offices but right now it seems our first choice would be to have the transfer during early to mid January, with our second choice being around Thanksgiving.
So... Take a deep breath for here we go again. Obviously we'll be more jaded and cautious, but I will not lose my faith in God nor my love for my husband, family or friends who embrace us through this trial--for however long it lasts.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Negative results
Well, fuck.
Pretty much sums it up. Jessica and I are floored at the moment. We're digesting these results and will be giving ourselves time to figure out what our next steps will be.
The only decent news today is that I had my follow-up appointment for my surgery. I'm healing just fine and the doctor informed us that if we decided to do another round of ICSI, my right testicle will be recovered sufficiently in 3 months to proceed. My left ball wasn't touched last time, so that guy is ready to go already.
So, we still have options and hope (but, of the substantial kind, not the Obama kind). But, dear friends and family, bear with us as we process our grief.
Pretty much sums it up. Jessica and I are floored at the moment. We're digesting these results and will be giving ourselves time to figure out what our next steps will be.
The only decent news today is that I had my follow-up appointment for my surgery. I'm healing just fine and the doctor informed us that if we decided to do another round of ICSI, my right testicle will be recovered sufficiently in 3 months to proceed. My left ball wasn't touched last time, so that guy is ready to go already.
So, we still have options and hope (but, of the substantial kind, not the Obama kind). But, dear friends and family, bear with us as we process our grief.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
First Day Back at Work
I'm not going to lie-I'm pretty pooped. I worked from about 7:30-5:00 today but was operating at a very a languid pace. Nonetheless, I didn't feel particularly great so that made my day pretty long. I also got a lot of concerned looks, questions and statements that I looked tired (no woman, no matter how true it is and how bad she feels, wants to hear that!).
I woke up feeling woozy-my stomach was churning and I was dizzy. I thought food would help but actually, I nearly lost my cookies after breakfast and left the house with an emergency plastic bag and a cup of chamomile tea. Then, when I got to work I almost fell asleep while one of my co-workers worked on my computer. Nonetheless, I pepped up, fell into a rhythm after a while and was pretty happy. I did a lot of slow breathing exercises too. Clint insisted on calling me every hour to make sure took breaks and was calm. Frankly, I take a lot of breaks given the number of bathroom stops I make during the day.
Right now Clint is making dinner and I'm watching the news in my PJs while sitting on the couch where I'm sure I'll reside for the next 4 hours or so until bedtime. I'm quite relaxed and happy. Clint is being very selfless and cute, worrying over me. He has stepped up a lot around the house despite still be not quite 100% himself. I have a fantastic husband and friend in him!
I hope to God this feeling of discomfort is due to a pregnancy and not my nervousness. I'm trying to be calm and let this worry go but letting go is something I generally struggle with. I will continue to take care of myself, slow down and give myself lots of TLC but whether my embryos stay and grow is truly in the hands of God. Clint and I have worked hard and done all the right things but at some level, I feel as if it is no longer up to us. Keep praying with me my friends!!!
I woke up feeling woozy-my stomach was churning and I was dizzy. I thought food would help but actually, I nearly lost my cookies after breakfast and left the house with an emergency plastic bag and a cup of chamomile tea. Then, when I got to work I almost fell asleep while one of my co-workers worked on my computer. Nonetheless, I pepped up, fell into a rhythm after a while and was pretty happy. I did a lot of slow breathing exercises too. Clint insisted on calling me every hour to make sure took breaks and was calm. Frankly, I take a lot of breaks given the number of bathroom stops I make during the day.
Right now Clint is making dinner and I'm watching the news in my PJs while sitting on the couch where I'm sure I'll reside for the next 4 hours or so until bedtime. I'm quite relaxed and happy. Clint is being very selfless and cute, worrying over me. He has stepped up a lot around the house despite still be not quite 100% himself. I have a fantastic husband and friend in him!
I hope to God this feeling of discomfort is due to a pregnancy and not my nervousness. I'm trying to be calm and let this worry go but letting go is something I generally struggle with. I will continue to take care of myself, slow down and give myself lots of TLC but whether my embryos stay and grow is truly in the hands of God. Clint and I have worked hard and done all the right things but at some level, I feel as if it is no longer up to us. Keep praying with me my friends!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
In my defense!
I was a very very good girl and only moved from the couch over the past 2 days when (a) I had to pee or (b) Clint said so. For those of you who know me, you know how hard this has been for me. Sitting still for days on end is generally not my forte. Yesterday I didn't do much other than eat, sleep and watch TV. Today, I did a bit of work but then Clint yelled at me for stressing out and we got that relatively sad bit of news from the doctor, so I put the rest of my work aside. I spent the remainder of my day reading (and finished!) my new book club book which I simply devoured. Speaking of devouring, I've been constantly growly hungry today. Not ravenously hungry, just this odd persistent gnawing at my insides. I hope its a good sign but not trying to read too much into it, or create psychosomatic symptoms.
I also have done a lot of praying and talking to my embryos, convincing them they are in a good place and they should stay and grow. That probably sounds a little crazy but every little bit helps. My family is concerned about me going back to work tomorrow. They think I will push myself too hard, but can't sit on a couch for another week waiting to take a pregnancy test. I would go crazy if I had to do that. I promise promise promise to take breaks, slow down, come home at a reasonable time and then do NOTHING.
My mantra for this time period involves the three P's- Positiveness, Placidness, and Prayerfulness. I will need to remind myself of this mantra during the day to combat my compulsiveness because, unfortunately, when I get stressed I become slightly manic.
Above all else I have drive and will power so I will rely on that to keep myself in check. This is too big of a journey and a commitment for me to risk it for a few more hours at work. I don't live to work, I work to live.
I also have done a lot of praying and talking to my embryos, convincing them they are in a good place and they should stay and grow. That probably sounds a little crazy but every little bit helps. My family is concerned about me going back to work tomorrow. They think I will push myself too hard, but can't sit on a couch for another week waiting to take a pregnancy test. I would go crazy if I had to do that. I promise promise promise to take breaks, slow down, come home at a reasonable time and then do NOTHING.
My mantra for this time period involves the three P's- Positiveness, Placidness, and Prayerfulness. I will need to remind myself of this mantra during the day to combat my compulsiveness because, unfortunately, when I get stressed I become slightly manic.
Above all else I have drive and will power so I will rely on that to keep myself in check. This is too big of a journey and a commitment for me to risk it for a few more hours at work. I don't live to work, I work to live.
First bit of not the best news
Just got a call from the biologist, who informed us that the remaining embryos did not advance sufficently to justify freezing. So, the result of yesterday's implantation is our only shot, unless we want to go through the process again in the future. But, that's a decision for a later time that could be proven moot with a successful implantation. That phone call just made the wait until the pregnancy test next Friday all the more difficult.
Speaking of successful implantation, Jessica's been mostly good about keeping still. I'm still having to threaten to sit on her to keep her down, though. Allowing her to bring home work was something to which I conceded too easily. She was all in a tizzy about not being able to get her work laptop to connect properly or some such shit, which made me a nervous wreck trying to keep her pinned to the couch in a prone and relaxed position. But, she's moved on, calmed down, and will wrap up her work in just a few minutes and relax the rest of the day. I think that phone call scared her as much as it scared me.
Speaking of successful implantation, Jessica's been mostly good about keeping still. I'm still having to threaten to sit on her to keep her down, though. Allowing her to bring home work was something to which I conceded too easily. She was all in a tizzy about not being able to get her work laptop to connect properly or some such shit, which made me a nervous wreck trying to keep her pinned to the couch in a prone and relaxed position. But, she's moved on, calmed down, and will wrap up her work in just a few minutes and relax the rest of the day. I think that phone call scared her as much as it scared me.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Implantation photos
Here's Jessica, all ready for the implantation procedure. What is that that she's reading?...
Necessary literature for such a procedure, US Weekly. I'm so glad she's taking this so seriously.
Fuzzy Clint in a bunny suit, ready to offer nothing but moral support. Sorry for the quality of the photos, my phone camera's not the best, and neither was the lighting.
And, they're in.
Clint here, logged in on Jessica's account until we can figure out the permissions to let me post. Jessica is nearby, watching Olympic volleyball while doped up on Valium, screaming at the US team like she knows what she's talking about. Oh, yeah, she does know what she's talking about...
We went up to Carmel for the, hopefully, final time today. Turns out we did it on a totally flat driver's side rear tire. Whoops. Obama would have our heads for that one. The implantation procedure went very smoothly. I'll try to post the photos of us in our gear later this afternoon, if I can figure out how to send photos from my phone. They gave us a picture of the blastocysts they were implanting and told us there were three other ones they are thinking will continue to mature and be frozen tomorrow.
The procedure was very swift and uncomplicated. We watched on the ultrasound through Jessica's abdomen as Dr. Colver implanted the two cell clusters out of a very long syringe-type instrument. And that was that. We cried and hugged each other before going back to the prep room to put our clothes back on.
Jessica is now on 48 hours of bedrest. The dogs are at daycare, thanks to Jessica's parents. They were getting quite a bad case of cabin fever with us lazing about for the past week, so it's good to get them active for a while and give Jessica some peace today.
The next step is a pregnancy test a week from Friday, so we're in a long period of waiting, hoping, and relaxing. Jessica will still be taking her endometrin thrice daily, but otherwise treating herself as if she's pregnant.
I'm doing a lot better myself. Well enough to drive, at least. I'm still sitting on ice and avoiding 100 meter dashes, but I'm able to move around a lot better. Which is good, as school activities start Friday, if I'm able.
As I said, I'll try to post some photos today. 'Til then.
We went up to Carmel for the, hopefully, final time today. Turns out we did it on a totally flat driver's side rear tire. Whoops. Obama would have our heads for that one. The implantation procedure went very smoothly. I'll try to post the photos of us in our gear later this afternoon, if I can figure out how to send photos from my phone. They gave us a picture of the blastocysts they were implanting and told us there were three other ones they are thinking will continue to mature and be frozen tomorrow.
The procedure was very swift and uncomplicated. We watched on the ultrasound through Jessica's abdomen as Dr. Colver implanted the two cell clusters out of a very long syringe-type instrument. And that was that. We cried and hugged each other before going back to the prep room to put our clothes back on.
Jessica is now on 48 hours of bedrest. The dogs are at daycare, thanks to Jessica's parents. They were getting quite a bad case of cabin fever with us lazing about for the past week, so it's good to get them active for a while and give Jessica some peace today.
The next step is a pregnancy test a week from Friday, so we're in a long period of waiting, hoping, and relaxing. Jessica will still be taking her endometrin thrice daily, but otherwise treating herself as if she's pregnant.
I'm doing a lot better myself. Well enough to drive, at least. I'm still sitting on ice and avoiding 100 meter dashes, but I'm able to move around a lot better. Which is good, as school activities start Friday, if I'm able.
As I said, I'll try to post some photos today. 'Til then.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Good News
The lab just called to let us know the zygotes are looking very good, so they're going to push back the transfer until Tuesday. This is really good news and increases our chances of a pregnancy. With the transfer on Tuesday, the zygote should now be a blastocyst, which according to Wikipedia, "possesses an inner cell mass, or embryoblast which subsequently forms the embryo, and an outer cell mass, or trophoblast which forms the placenta. The human blastocyst arises after compaction and comprises 70-100 cells." For your viewing pleasure I have attached a photo of a blastocyst (not ours). The ICM label stands for inner cell mass, which will become the fetus. The C stands for blastocel cavity.
Its far better to transfer a blastocyst then a zygote because a healthy blastocyst that has hatched out of its shell will implant itself in the uterus within 1-2 days of the IFV transfer.
Having the transfer on Tuesday is also good news for Clint and I because it gives our bodies more time to recuperate. Clint is still not very mobile and it would be very difficult at this stage for me to be on 48 hours complete bedrest. We are hoping that by Tuesday, he is able to walk about the house and up and down stairs to care for all the animals as well as myself. Plus, I'm still pretty crampy and sore so a few more days of down time is heartily welcomed. I plan on spending the entire day on the couch, sleeping, watching the Olympics or Movies, knitting and playing Wii.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
New Beginnings
Clint and I decided to create a blog in order to help us process some of our thoughts and emotions as we go through Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART). We also thought our friends and family could use it to keep in touch with us throughout the process.
As background:
2 years ago, Clint and I decided we would try to start a family. Like most people, we thought we would conceive right away, particularly since we both come from relatively fertile families. We thought that if we had trouble, it would be on my end because my brother and I were both the products of Clomid. Nonetheless, we tried diligently for about 1 year. I became concerned so we went to see a gynecologist in the office where I had been seen since I was 13. He suggested that before we went poking about with me, that Clint be tested. Unfortunately, his test did not come back with very good results. He was crushed, particularly so because the gynecologist did not offer very much to be positive about. Nonetheless, he referred us to a local Bloomington urologist. This urologist examined Clint and was very kind and helpful. He referred us to the premier male infertility specialist in the state of Indiana, and went so far as to make an appointment for us the very week he made the referral. Needless to say, we hold the local urologist in very high esteem so if you ever need one, let us know and we'll give out his name and location.
The specialist in Indianapolis suggested that Clint have surgery to eliminate 2 large veins in his system and to determine what, if any, sperm making ability he had. So, this past December Clint underwent very serious surgery that involved cauterizing those veins, removing some fatty tissue and have a bilateral testicular biopsy. It took him three very long weeks to recover from the surgery but he was a trooper.
About 4 months after the surgery, the specialist started talking to us about options other than natural conception. We decided to use a fertility group located in Carmel and started meeting with the excellent doctors there to examine me. They determined that we needed to use a procedure called IVF with ICSI (in vitro fertilization with intro cytoplasmic sperm injection). This essentially entails hyper-stimulating my ovaries, harvesting the eggs, aspirating sperm from Clint and physically inserting the sperm directly into the the eggs. This would also mean that Clint and I would undergo surgery at the same time.
In July it was determined that my uterus was well positioned to begin the IVF procedure. So, on I began daily injections of a drug called Lupron. Lupron essentially threw my body into menopause, suppressing my ovulation and all hormones associated with it. After a week or so of the injections the office took blood to ensure my hormones were sufficiently suppressed. Then, on August 1, I began my twice daily injections of the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) in addition to continuing the once daily injections of Lupron. The FSH made me feel very hyper, aggressive, and crazy. It reminded me of being 16 years old wanting to drive very very fast with the top down, eating cheese fries and toilet papering houses. Not that I ever TP'd anyones house when I was 16, but it made me feel like I wanted to.
I didn't really mind the shots other than 1) I had a u-shaped pattern of track marks and bruising around my belly button, 2) my belly felt very swollen and uncomfortable, 3) I felt like I had to pee all the time from the pressure of my growing ovaries, and 4) the FSH is ridiculously expensive (think $700 per 60unit tube--I went through 5 tubes) and not covered by insurance. yeah.
After 5 days of the FSH I had blood work done to see where my estrogen level was along with an intrauterine ultrasound to see how many follicles my ovaries were developing and their respective sizes. They both the ultrasound and the blood work to determine how much FSH to give me and when to schedule the retrieval. From August 5 through the 13th, I went up to Carmel every other day for blood work and an ultrasound. Finally, I was told this past Monday that I would receive my hCG shot on Tuesday night and the retrieval was scheduled for Thursday morning. The hcG shot is a deep tissue shot in the upper hip that essentially triggers my ovaries to send those developing follicles into overdrive. A very sweet Doctor friend of mine agreed to give me the shot. She did a great job and I had no bleeding or excessive pain.
Currently:
Clint and I both had surgery bright and early Thursday morning. They retrieved 18 eggs from me and a very good tissue sample from Clint. In fact they were so happy with the tissue sample that they did not tap his left testicle. This is very good for him for 2 basic reasons: 1) he was worried that they would not find ANY sperm and we would have to use our backup donor sperm, and 2) his recovery will be shorter.
Yes, I did say donor sperm. We thought long and hard about whether or not we were going to use any as a backup in case they could not find any sperm from Clint Initially, Clint did not want to use any. Over time, and with the help of counseling, he realized the chance they would not find any sperm from him was relatively small (20% ) but he would love any child as his own. Therefore, we agreed to have a vial as backup, both sincerely hoping that it would not have to be used. In the end, we were blessed and did not have to use the donor sperm. Telling my husband that they got a good sample from him was one of the happiest moments I have shared with him to date.
In fact the sample was better than either one of us expected. We learned from the biologist yesterday that of the 18 eggs retrieved, 15 were inseminated, and 10 were showing signs of fertilization. Clint was so happy and relieved to know they found enough sperm to inseminate 15!!!
They will continue to monitor all the eggs this weekend. I am scheduled to go up to Carmel tomorrow for transfer of the best 2 eggs at 9:30 am. However, they will check on the eggs at 7:00 am. If they are at a particular stage of development, they will leave them alone and the transfer will be postponed until Tuesday morning. I don't really understand this stage very well but I basically understand it is better to implant a blastocyst, which is further along in development, then an embryo. Nonetheless, if things are not progressing as fast as they want, they will go ahead and get the embryos in my body on Sunday. Either way, we won't know until tomorrow morning at 7:00am.
I'm not done with drugs by the way. I started this morning taking something called endometrium, which looks like a Monistat Suppository. Its a tablet of some type of hormone that is supposed to assist my body prepare for handling an implanted embryo, to make sure that I get certifiably pregnate. I have to take it 3 times a day through my first pregnancy test at the end of this month. I don't know if it was the drug or the fact my body is still sore from the retrieval surgery but my first dose this morning made me incredibly crampy. So, I curled up on the couch for an hour then took a nice hot bubble bath. I feel much better now but I'm still going to take it easy today. I need to prepare my body for the baby/ies I'm going to receive later this week.
Once the embryos/blastocysts are transferred to my body I have to be on strict bed rest for 2 days. I swear I am going to honor this directive to the T. See, I'm not the best patient. I'm too much of my father obey the request "take it easy" very well. I was supposed to take it easy following the retrieval surgery Thursday but I'm not doing so well with that one. I walked around a lot Thursday afternoon/evening and went to work on Friday from 7:15am to 6:00pm. I also walked from my office on College to the First Christian Church on Kirkwood and Washington and back, which was probably too much walking for me. I think my mother wants to strap me down to a couch and only let me up to go see the doctor. But Clint and I have gone through too much, and we have too much at stake for me to play fast and loose with the implanted embryos/blastocysts. I don't want to risk anything, so I will only get up when absolutely necessary!!!
We are so blessed to have great friends and family to help us out. My parents chauffeured us on Thursday and my mom will drive me again for the transfer. They also brought dinner over for us last night, cleaned the kitchen and even emptied my dishwasher. My mom is also going grocery shopping for me this morning. She doesn't want me walking around too much, pushing the heavy cart or lifting the grocery sack. My parents are great and I think they're getting the tiniest bit excited about having a grandchild/grandchildren. My friend Chelsea is being a dear too. She came over Thursday night and made Clint and I dinner. She is also going to hang out with me later today and when I'm on bed rest too.
That's the other thing. I mentioned we have 10 fertilized eggs and that they're going to transfer the best 2 later this week. Given my health and age, the doctor thought the likelihood of us having twins is around 60%. That information is blowing my mind. In 1 year, we have gone from the probably of not having any children at all, to the possibility of having 2! CRAZINESS!! I would be ecstatic to have just 1, so 2 would be out of this world amazing.
I just don't quite know how to express my thanks and appreciation to all the people who have supported Clint and I through this process and who helped make it possible. I also don't know how to express my gratefulness that we have achieved so much. A simple thank you is insufficient, but for once, this lawyer is at a loss for more appropriate words.
As background:
2 years ago, Clint and I decided we would try to start a family. Like most people, we thought we would conceive right away, particularly since we both come from relatively fertile families. We thought that if we had trouble, it would be on my end because my brother and I were both the products of Clomid. Nonetheless, we tried diligently for about 1 year. I became concerned so we went to see a gynecologist in the office where I had been seen since I was 13. He suggested that before we went poking about with me, that Clint be tested. Unfortunately, his test did not come back with very good results. He was crushed, particularly so because the gynecologist did not offer very much to be positive about. Nonetheless, he referred us to a local Bloomington urologist. This urologist examined Clint and was very kind and helpful. He referred us to the premier male infertility specialist in the state of Indiana, and went so far as to make an appointment for us the very week he made the referral. Needless to say, we hold the local urologist in very high esteem so if you ever need one, let us know and we'll give out his name and location.
The specialist in Indianapolis suggested that Clint have surgery to eliminate 2 large veins in his system and to determine what, if any, sperm making ability he had. So, this past December Clint underwent very serious surgery that involved cauterizing those veins, removing some fatty tissue and have a bilateral testicular biopsy. It took him three very long weeks to recover from the surgery but he was a trooper.
About 4 months after the surgery, the specialist started talking to us about options other than natural conception. We decided to use a fertility group located in Carmel and started meeting with the excellent doctors there to examine me. They determined that we needed to use a procedure called IVF with ICSI (in vitro fertilization with intro cytoplasmic sperm injection). This essentially entails hyper-stimulating my ovaries, harvesting the eggs, aspirating sperm from Clint and physically inserting the sperm directly into the the eggs. This would also mean that Clint and I would undergo surgery at the same time.
In July it was determined that my uterus was well positioned to begin the IVF procedure. So, on I began daily injections of a drug called Lupron. Lupron essentially threw my body into menopause, suppressing my ovulation and all hormones associated with it. After a week or so of the injections the office took blood to ensure my hormones were sufficiently suppressed. Then, on August 1, I began my twice daily injections of the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) in addition to continuing the once daily injections of Lupron. The FSH made me feel very hyper, aggressive, and crazy. It reminded me of being 16 years old wanting to drive very very fast with the top down, eating cheese fries and toilet papering houses. Not that I ever TP'd anyones house when I was 16, but it made me feel like I wanted to.
I didn't really mind the shots other than 1) I had a u-shaped pattern of track marks and bruising around my belly button, 2) my belly felt very swollen and uncomfortable, 3) I felt like I had to pee all the time from the pressure of my growing ovaries, and 4) the FSH is ridiculously expensive (think $700 per 60unit tube--I went through 5 tubes) and not covered by insurance. yeah.
After 5 days of the FSH I had blood work done to see where my estrogen level was along with an intrauterine ultrasound to see how many follicles my ovaries were developing and their respective sizes. They both the ultrasound and the blood work to determine how much FSH to give me and when to schedule the retrieval. From August 5 through the 13th, I went up to Carmel every other day for blood work and an ultrasound. Finally, I was told this past Monday that I would receive my hCG shot on Tuesday night and the retrieval was scheduled for Thursday morning. The hcG shot is a deep tissue shot in the upper hip that essentially triggers my ovaries to send those developing follicles into overdrive. A very sweet Doctor friend of mine agreed to give me the shot. She did a great job and I had no bleeding or excessive pain.
Currently:
Clint and I both had surgery bright and early Thursday morning. They retrieved 18 eggs from me and a very good tissue sample from Clint. In fact they were so happy with the tissue sample that they did not tap his left testicle. This is very good for him for 2 basic reasons: 1) he was worried that they would not find ANY sperm and we would have to use our backup donor sperm, and 2) his recovery will be shorter.
Yes, I did say donor sperm. We thought long and hard about whether or not we were going to use any as a backup in case they could not find any sperm from Clint Initially, Clint did not want to use any. Over time, and with the help of counseling, he realized the chance they would not find any sperm from him was relatively small (20% ) but he would love any child as his own. Therefore, we agreed to have a vial as backup, both sincerely hoping that it would not have to be used. In the end, we were blessed and did not have to use the donor sperm. Telling my husband that they got a good sample from him was one of the happiest moments I have shared with him to date.
In fact the sample was better than either one of us expected. We learned from the biologist yesterday that of the 18 eggs retrieved, 15 were inseminated, and 10 were showing signs of fertilization. Clint was so happy and relieved to know they found enough sperm to inseminate 15!!!
They will continue to monitor all the eggs this weekend. I am scheduled to go up to Carmel tomorrow for transfer of the best 2 eggs at 9:30 am. However, they will check on the eggs at 7:00 am. If they are at a particular stage of development, they will leave them alone and the transfer will be postponed until Tuesday morning. I don't really understand this stage very well but I basically understand it is better to implant a blastocyst, which is further along in development, then an embryo. Nonetheless, if things are not progressing as fast as they want, they will go ahead and get the embryos in my body on Sunday. Either way, we won't know until tomorrow morning at 7:00am.
I'm not done with drugs by the way. I started this morning taking something called endometrium, which looks like a Monistat Suppository. Its a tablet of some type of hormone that is supposed to assist my body prepare for handling an implanted embryo, to make sure that I get certifiably pregnate. I have to take it 3 times a day through my first pregnancy test at the end of this month. I don't know if it was the drug or the fact my body is still sore from the retrieval surgery but my first dose this morning made me incredibly crampy. So, I curled up on the couch for an hour then took a nice hot bubble bath. I feel much better now but I'm still going to take it easy today. I need to prepare my body for the baby/ies I'm going to receive later this week.
Once the embryos/blastocysts are transferred to my body I have to be on strict bed rest for 2 days. I swear I am going to honor this directive to the T. See, I'm not the best patient. I'm too much of my father obey the request "take it easy" very well. I was supposed to take it easy following the retrieval surgery Thursday but I'm not doing so well with that one. I walked around a lot Thursday afternoon/evening and went to work on Friday from 7:15am to 6:00pm. I also walked from my office on College to the First Christian Church on Kirkwood and Washington and back, which was probably too much walking for me. I think my mother wants to strap me down to a couch and only let me up to go see the doctor. But Clint and I have gone through too much, and we have too much at stake for me to play fast and loose with the implanted embryos/blastocysts. I don't want to risk anything, so I will only get up when absolutely necessary!!!
We are so blessed to have great friends and family to help us out. My parents chauffeured us on Thursday and my mom will drive me again for the transfer. They also brought dinner over for us last night, cleaned the kitchen and even emptied my dishwasher. My mom is also going grocery shopping for me this morning. She doesn't want me walking around too much, pushing the heavy cart or lifting the grocery sack. My parents are great and I think they're getting the tiniest bit excited about having a grandchild/grandchildren. My friend Chelsea is being a dear too. She came over Thursday night and made Clint and I dinner. She is also going to hang out with me later today and when I'm on bed rest too.
That's the other thing. I mentioned we have 10 fertilized eggs and that they're going to transfer the best 2 later this week. Given my health and age, the doctor thought the likelihood of us having twins is around 60%. That information is blowing my mind. In 1 year, we have gone from the probably of not having any children at all, to the possibility of having 2! CRAZINESS!! I would be ecstatic to have just 1, so 2 would be out of this world amazing.
I just don't quite know how to express my thanks and appreciation to all the people who have supported Clint and I through this process and who helped make it possible. I also don't know how to express my gratefulness that we have achieved so much. A simple thank you is insufficient, but for once, this lawyer is at a loss for more appropriate words.
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