After pulling out our calendars, we've decided to shoot for January for IVF round 2. Waiting until January is good because it gives Clint plenty of time to heal, makes sure that he gets through his finals, and allows my body some time to heal as well. However, there are a few downsides to January as well: (a) just waiting to start the craziness again ( At some level, it would almost be easier on me emotionally to keep moving constantly towards our goal, but mentally I understand the need to postpone for a while), (b) having to driving up to Carmel every other day in December when the weather could be nasty, and (c) throwing our holiday plans up in the air. Earlier this year we thought we would be able to drive down to Florida to spend Christmas with my family and Duriya, our exchange student. Now, we're unsure where we'll be in the preparatory process to know whether we can still hold those plans. I know that in the grand scheme of things my family will be OK with whatever we feel we have to do; it just sucks to spend another Christmas without them around.
Again, I apologize to my friends for going AWOL. I feel like I'm just now beginning to emerge from my black hole. This process is all consuming and then to get the news that we did just really messed my world up. I would say that still for about 3/4 of my week I feel completely disheartened that Clint and I will never have children and we will spend years and hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. I feel as if I'm experiencing samsara, a constant vortex of craving, clutching, grasping for something and coming up empty handed, empty souled, over and over again. Its just hard to keep your head above water in that mess.
I loathe going out in public right now because I am acutely aware of all the pregnate women around me, or the couples with small children. I can't focus on anything else and hot tears of self loathing for the jealousy and hopeless I feel stings my eyes. I want to feel happy for these women. I know I should feel happy for them but I simply cannot stand to be around them. It's not their problem--its totally mine and I hate it.
We had one glimmer of light this week when we met with one of our friends to get some information about adoption. She adopted 2 boys, the eldest of whom is approaching 13, I think. It was good to talk with her because she eroded a lot of myths that I was concerned about after researching adoption. Talking with her also assured us that we should not experience any problems trying to adopt given that we're young, educated and successful. We're the type of parents birth mothers want their children to go to. We still are just in the information gathering phase but we have made some early decisions if we decide to follow this path. First, is that we won't move beyond the information gathering stage unless and until conceiving our own child is impossible. Second, we will adopt domestically. Third, we will adopt a newborn, and fourth, we will use an attorney's office, rather than an adoption agency.
Still there is a lot of time to pass before we will know exactly what path to follow. I just hope my patience and faith will carry me through.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Next Steps
I apologize for the silence. After receiving the news on Friday I didn't much feel like talking to anyone-including my husband. I had (have?- Not quite sure I'm done) a lot of ugly thoughts and emotions running around in my head that I didn't feel like exposing you to.
As Clint posted earlier, we did see his doctor on Friday so we went into the weekend armed with a bit of information. He was very positive, but we decided that we wouldn't truly decide our next steps until we asked some questions of my doctor. As the weekend progressed, we felt that if we heard positive information from my doctor, we would probably try again, however we would simultaneously look into adoption options. In fact we're meeting with a church friend to pick her brain about adoption this Friday.
My doctor called this morning to talk and our conversation went well. Overall he was very positive. He informed us that the institutional wisdom is to implant blastocysts at day 5 then zygotes at day 3. He said our zygotes looked so good at day 3 there was no indications that things would so dramatically slow down by day 5. So I asked whether he would do a day 3 transfer if we opted to do this again and he said yes. My body is generally a better incubator than his machines. Plus, by doing a day 3 transfer that would allow us to freeze the remaining eggs to use for later, in case it failed again. He did not seem to think there were any genetic problems with our eggs and sperm. He informed us that typically, if there is a genetic problem you see signs very early and at day 3 we had 3-4 PERFECT zygotes. I also asked him the number of zygotes he would implant if we did this again. He said my young age asks for only 2 to be implanted, thinking that the statistics of me carrying both is very high. But, he then said, the fact that I have a failed IVF procedure may indicated that implanting 3 is not off the table. He did, however, qualify this statement by saying that having twins is pretty normal now, but having triplets is SOO much harder. He concluded by saying that he would do whatever we asked him to do though. My last question was how long I have to wait before trying again. Clearly, from that question you can see where our hearts are leading us. He said we only have to give my ovaries a 1 month break. He ended the conversation by saying that he thought we had a very good chance of making this happen. YEAH!!
Clint and I spent some time talking about this news and owned up to the fact that we would gladly rip our bodies apart and impoverish ourselves if those actions would allow us to have a natural child. We also decided that the larger question of the number of zygotes we will ask the doctor to implant cannot be answered now. We will have to ask him more questions as time progresses about the statistical advantage to having 3 implanted balanced against the risk to my and the future babies health. We also took a look at our calendars. We still have to check with our doctor's offices but right now it seems our first choice would be to have the transfer during early to mid January, with our second choice being around Thanksgiving.
So... Take a deep breath for here we go again. Obviously we'll be more jaded and cautious, but I will not lose my faith in God nor my love for my husband, family or friends who embrace us through this trial--for however long it lasts.
As Clint posted earlier, we did see his doctor on Friday so we went into the weekend armed with a bit of information. He was very positive, but we decided that we wouldn't truly decide our next steps until we asked some questions of my doctor. As the weekend progressed, we felt that if we heard positive information from my doctor, we would probably try again, however we would simultaneously look into adoption options. In fact we're meeting with a church friend to pick her brain about adoption this Friday.
My doctor called this morning to talk and our conversation went well. Overall he was very positive. He informed us that the institutional wisdom is to implant blastocysts at day 5 then zygotes at day 3. He said our zygotes looked so good at day 3 there was no indications that things would so dramatically slow down by day 5. So I asked whether he would do a day 3 transfer if we opted to do this again and he said yes. My body is generally a better incubator than his machines. Plus, by doing a day 3 transfer that would allow us to freeze the remaining eggs to use for later, in case it failed again. He did not seem to think there were any genetic problems with our eggs and sperm. He informed us that typically, if there is a genetic problem you see signs very early and at day 3 we had 3-4 PERFECT zygotes. I also asked him the number of zygotes he would implant if we did this again. He said my young age asks for only 2 to be implanted, thinking that the statistics of me carrying both is very high. But, he then said, the fact that I have a failed IVF procedure may indicated that implanting 3 is not off the table. He did, however, qualify this statement by saying that having twins is pretty normal now, but having triplets is SOO much harder. He concluded by saying that he would do whatever we asked him to do though. My last question was how long I have to wait before trying again. Clearly, from that question you can see where our hearts are leading us. He said we only have to give my ovaries a 1 month break. He ended the conversation by saying that he thought we had a very good chance of making this happen. YEAH!!
Clint and I spent some time talking about this news and owned up to the fact that we would gladly rip our bodies apart and impoverish ourselves if those actions would allow us to have a natural child. We also decided that the larger question of the number of zygotes we will ask the doctor to implant cannot be answered now. We will have to ask him more questions as time progresses about the statistical advantage to having 3 implanted balanced against the risk to my and the future babies health. We also took a look at our calendars. We still have to check with our doctor's offices but right now it seems our first choice would be to have the transfer during early to mid January, with our second choice being around Thanksgiving.
So... Take a deep breath for here we go again. Obviously we'll be more jaded and cautious, but I will not lose my faith in God nor my love for my husband, family or friends who embrace us through this trial--for however long it lasts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)